Friday, August 7, 2009

the most expensive bracelet ever there was

after a lovely visit at my parents' house, in far greener, slightly cooler country, i'm driving down the road, sorta mentally checked out because the kids are happy and quiet and destined to drift off into a peaceful sleep on our way home.

so i'm somewhat aware of bennett saying, "owie! owww! owie!" but its kind of a silly-type whine, not so much an i-severed-a-limb type cry for help. so i absently respond with, "what hurts bennett?" to which he responds, "the raisin."

hmm... what could this be all about? a raisin. hurting?

so i glance in the rear view mirror and see his finger stuck up his nose.

trying to retrieve a raisin.

oh boy.

"bennett, did you put a raisin up your nose!!! get your finger out of there!!! i'm going to pull over." (i'm such a calm mother) so, on the side of the highway, i examined my son's nostril and promptly called my mom. i mean, she is a nurse and all, but even if she weren't, i'd call her anyway. she knows everything.

after digging through my suitcase for the tweezers and an unsuccessful attempt at roadside retrieval, it was back to grammy and poppa's house we go. bennett, starting to realize this is a bit more serious than he anticipated starts to look very worried and his eyes fill with tears.

my mom googles "remove raisin from nose" or something along those lines and we try a few techniques. and had bennett not been so traumatized at this point, i definitely would have photographed. for instance:

"close the empty nostril and blow hard in the child's mouth." you know, so the air will push the raisin out. my dad did this to my terrified child. no raisin, but there was a tad bit of snot that made its way to my dad's face. poppa of the year for sure.
a few other ideas also failed and my dad suggested trying some suction, such as hooking up a vacuum.

had i been crazy enough to try that, and it worked, the title for this post would have been:

"if you use a vacuum to remove a raisin from your son's nose... you just might be a redneck."

facing the fear that the raisin could be lodged out of reach or even make its way into his lung, it was off to the ER. because of course urgent care was already closed.

my dad works at this hospital. actually, he is currently the employee who has been with them the longest. i would have been born there, had i not been delivered in a traumatic experience at the doctors office that is now a bar or some other lively venue. regardless, he's worked there since before i made my appearance in this great world. so yeah, he's been around a LONG time. i kinda think this should count for something. like, say, free hospital bills for your family. yes, this is a grand idea. (should you work at this particular hospital, please forward this fantastic idea on to your administration. in fact i'll even let them advertise on my blog. for free. FREE! all in exchange for that raisin.)

growing up, if we had to go the hospital, since my dad's in tight with everyone, and since its a small town, we'd just head in the back door and they would see to our every need. like, say, if someone (not me... not my brother...) in our family broke their finger on the slide. or if someone (not me... not my brother...) swallowed a safety pin... we'd get taken care of and i'm pretty sure my parents never paid a penny.

oh, how sad i am that times have changed. sad indeed since our insurance has recently changed to one with an astronomically high deductible.

all for a raisin.

leaving my mom with a screaming 10 month old who wouldn't go to sleep and whining 4 year-old who didn't have a nap, my dad and i took bennett. and of course, while we were waiting... waiting... waiting... people kept stopping by and saying, "oh, hi randy." and they'd have a little chat with my dad and when they left i'd want to say, "so, who's that? do they work in the billing department?"

needless to say, the raisin came out with forceps and a well aimed light by the very skilled, very expensive fingers of a very sweet PA. after she pulled it out, she held it there asking if he wanted to eat it now and i'm sure i wasn't the only one in the room about to gag at the sight of it.
bennett has more than learned his lesson through all of this. his little lip kept quivering and his eyes filled with tears... so please, if you happen to see him, please refrain from the overused: "bennett, why did you put a raisin in your nose? don't you know you are supposed to eat those?" yes. yes, he knows that. and every time someone says that to him i think he might cry. so leave my baby alone!!!

and, as far as the discharge instructions: give tylenol for any pain and "teach your child not to put objects in his nose."
thanks, hospital. that thought never occurred to me.

i'm not sure how much this will cost us yet. but i do take donations. yes, i do.

bennett called anthony right after all this to tell him he was ok and all. and he says, "daddy! it was so gross! she pulled the raisin out and it had boogers all over it!!!"

ewwww is right.

so... no more raisins, no more swallowing pennies (or retrieving them), no more stitches.

bennett's cool new bracelet


lmngirls said...

This is will definitely be one of those someday this will be really funny stories, you know after the bill's been paid...

Erin said...

Oh, poor boy and poor all of you. But I have to say I giggled in parts. Hope it's funny a little bit down the road.

Bethany said...

Eli stuck a piece of broccoli up his nose last spring... we tried the blowing into the mouth thing, but just laughed so hard that it didn't work. We then closed Eli's other nostril and told him to blow really hard (granted he had never before succesfully blown his nose... so it was a long shot), but it worked! The broccoli came flying out! We would have been on the way to the ER had that not worked :)

Rachael Schepemaker said...

Is this what I have to look forward with my boys? I hate to think of how expensive our hospital bills will be for the Schepemaker family :-)

Mama Kat said...

I'm sitting here squirming just THINKING about a raisin up a nose. Thank God none of my kids have tried that yet!

angie said...

I think it's still safe to say that Dad is a redneck, even if he didn't get the vacuum out.

Chris said...

Hi. just dropping by from the writers workshop....This was great. I love your way with words...and want to use this post as my inspiration prompt, but I think MY er story is a little too sordid...

Megan O. said...

you tell the best stories!! not that i want one of my kids to put anything up their nose just for a good blog story. :) but thanks to bennet for keeping the rest of us entertained!!

Joanna said...

This is classic! I mean, I know most kids will eventually stick something up their nose, but the way you word it just brings it to life. Totally made me laugh! Poor Bennett :).

June Freaking Cleaver said...

From the title, I thought it was safe to eat my lunch while reading this - so glad I wasn't eating raisins.

Jessica said...

Thanks for a good laugh. Sorry it's at your kids expense, but glad to hear everything came out ok.

Charlotte said...

Oh Stephanie, you have such a way with stories. I LOVE reading them. I'm sorry your sweet little boy had to endure the ER, but man alive, it made for a good story. :) You are a good mommy, Stephanie, and I have no doubt that one of the many gifts you'll give your kiddos is the ability to find humor in unlikely places. :)

DM said...

I had a friend whose son had something up his nose (piece of a foam mattress I think) for so long that it started to smell bad before anyone noticed. The doctor almost threw up when he pulled it out. So just be thankful you saw the raisin go in!

Lisa said...

Stephanie! Seriously, I so look forward to reading your postings! This one is hilarious. I was trying to quietly laugh since Teda is sleeping in my room with me. Oh man! Teda stuffed a few lima beans up her nose about a year and a half ago, and it was scary but funny at the same time! :) You should write a book- it would be very successful I'm sure! You're super talented. And you have so many stories already! By the way, I was driving down the road and I started thinking about guys with long hair, and (I'm even laughing out loud right now!) the image of your husband with Ella's hair popped into my head and I cracked up! Anytime I need a laugh, and a lift in my spirits, I go to your blog. It was awesome to see you at the library last week! Love,