Wednesday, February 9, 2011

on a more serious note...

so in the interest of keeping it real, not all of my life is full of sarcasm and the crazy stunts my kids pull.

somewhere between new years resolutions and the day o' fun at the zoo, i had a miscarriage.

i debated about posting this blog entry at all. its incredibly personal and might make some of my readers uncomfortable. like, dear friends who never knew i was pregnant in the first place (which was pretty much all of you, so please don't feel left out). or not so dear friends that are saying, "what?!?! you were going to have ANOTHER kid? you can NOT be serious!"

but the reality is, i have way more friends than not who have actually suffered a miscarriage themselves. this heartbreak is entirely too common and so i figured a little vulnerability on my behalf could possibly encourage someone else out there in blogland.

after the initial shock and hormone assault wore off, i'm actually doing quite well. i attribute this not as much to the excess of chocolate i consumed but rather the generous amount of prayers on my behalf.

its sad of course. and many other emotions at many different moments of the day, but ultimately, what really sums up my peace about the whole thing is this: there is no greater comfort than knowing God is in control of my life.

and i don't just say this because it is what i am supposed to say. i say it because it is an absolute certainty. there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that is found in God alone, and really, that is all it can be.

i realize the pain of going through a miscarriage at only 6 weeks with 3 other children is nothing compared to what others close to me have experienced... years of infertility, miscarriage after miscarriage and no other children to hold tight or distract you from yourself with spilled milk and lego towers and muddy windows and boisterous laughter. i recognize how incredibly blessed i am to have the precious sleep deficient children i do.
i am also blessed to have family and friends who love me and pray for me and encourage me. and i also learned a valuable lesson. never underestimate how powerful the simple act of dropping off flowers, a sweet card and doughnuts at someone's doorstep can be.

it was shortly after this, anthony and i were having an unrelated conversation about our current town really feeling like home. and while there are many things that make it completely heavenly here, the doughnut/card gesture is what i told anthony put everything in cement for me. friends who love me and encourage me when i'm hurting. who reach out and are there.

so there you have it... a little update on my life. i'll try to get back to something less serious tomorrow.

but in the meantime, should you (or your children) know my little ones, please know they are completely unaware of any of this. someday, of course, when they are older they will find out and ella will possibly say, "oh... is that the day you couldn't stop crying into your cereal bowl and you let us eat all kinds of junk food and watch way too many movies?"

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. - C.S. Lewis


Heather said...

Aww, sweetie, I am so sorry. For your loss, for your pain, for the sadness. You are right in saying that you're blessed with your three other babies, but you still have the right to mourn the loss of THIS baby.

Thanks for sharing with us, your blog friends. I'm so glad that you are surrounded by real life friends there in your new hometown; I'm sure that makes everything a little easier to bear.

Take care, Stephanie.

Bethany said...

Thanks for being so vulnerable friend, I will continue to be praying for you and am thankful God has given you so much peace up to now. I am sad to hear this news, but grateful that you have such an amazing heart for the Lord and can encourage others even through your own pain. Thinking of you and love you!

Erin said...

This is a beautiful post about a beautiful faith in an amazing God. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, feelings, and reality. The first time I heard the song "Blessed Be Your Name" was after a miscarriage at 10 weeks. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away... may the name of the Lord be praised. Job 1:21b LOVE YOU.

PS- Donuts on your doorstep sounds fabulous!

Vicki said...

Stephanie, I'm sorry for your loss and encouraged by your words of faith. Thank you for sharing.

jordy liz said...

my heart dropped reading this and i commend you for sharing. i know it's hard to share personal things on a public blog, but i pray you get the encouragement and support you need through it.

God is in control through the good and bad and I know that He has his hand on you and your family at this very moment. I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses of all time:

Romans 8:26-28
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

If you still lived in Arizona, I'd bring more donuts to your doorstep. :)

JJ said...

I don't have anything to say except thank you.

And... well... you're crazy for thinking of four but there are more out there who are willing/wanting to join you in the crazy land of multiple children.... ;)

We're praying for you...

That's all. There's so much more but I can't find the words.

Joanna said...

oh no Stephanie, I'm so sad to read this. But I love your faith and attitude through it all. And ironically, I was just recently thinking of you and your three kids out of the blue today so I came to read your blog. I will keep you in my prayers.

Megan O. said...

Steph, thanks for being willing to share. I'm so sorry you had to go through this but I know God has a plan even through these things that seem so pointless. I too am so glad you have such a great network there and good friends to walk through life with. Love you!

debby94 said...

Oh Stephanie! I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It is such a hard thing to go through. I had a miscarriage before Luke was born. You will be in my prayers!

Love you!!

Violet Conner said...

Thanks for sharing this. We suffered a miscarriage 3 mo before we were pregnant with Riley. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Stephanie. Thank you for this blog post. It is so amazing to hear your heart. You are a real woman of God.

perfect said...

I want 6! Four's not crazy. It's perfect. :) Love you!! You know you've still got our prayers!

Susie said...

Oh boy, I have been absent from reading blogs as of late so of course I just saw this while back reading. :( You really have an amazing spirit and such a fabulous way with words. Truly. Even in the face of something painful. Thinking of you today and hoping that with each passing day and each prayer you are healing. Much love to you lady!