somewhere between new years resolutions and the day o' fun at the zoo, i had a miscarriage.
i debated about posting this blog entry at all. its incredibly personal and might make some of my readers uncomfortable. like, dear friends who never knew i was pregnant in the first place (which was pretty much all of you, so please don't feel left out). or not so dear friends that are saying, "what?!?! you were going to have ANOTHER kid? you can NOT be serious!"
but the reality is, i have way more friends than not who have actually suffered a miscarriage themselves. this heartbreak is entirely too common and so i figured a little vulnerability on my behalf could possibly encourage someone else out there in blogland.
after the initial shock and hormone assault wore off, i'm actually doing quite well. i attribute this not as much to the excess of chocolate i consumed but rather the generous amount of prayers on my behalf.
its sad of course. and many other emotions at many different moments of the day, but ultimately, what really sums up my peace about the whole thing is this: there is no greater comfort than knowing God is in control of my life.
and i don't just say this because it is what i am supposed to say. i say it because it is an absolute certainty. there is a peace that surpasses all understanding that is found in God alone, and really, that is all it can be.
i realize the pain of going through a miscarriage at only 6 weeks with 3 other children is nothing compared to what others close to me have experienced... years of infertility, miscarriage after miscarriage and no other children to hold tight or distract you from yourself with spilled milk and lego towers and muddy windows and boisterous laughter. i recognize how incredibly blessed i am to have the precious sleep deficient children i do.
i am also blessed to have family and friends who love me and pray for me and encourage me. and i also learned a valuable lesson. never underestimate how powerful the simple act of dropping off flowers, a sweet card and doughnuts at someone's doorstep can be.
it was shortly after this, anthony and i were having an unrelated conversation about our current town really feeling like home. and while there are many things that make it completely heavenly here, the doughnut/card gesture is what i told anthony put everything in cement for me. friends who love me and encourage me when i'm hurting. who reach out and are there.
so there you have it... a little update on my life. i'll try to get back to something less serious tomorrow.
but in the meantime, should you (or your children) know my little ones, please know they are completely unaware of any of this. someday, of course, when they are older they will find out and ella will possibly say, "oh... is that the day you couldn't stop crying into your cereal bowl and you let us eat all kinds of junk food and watch way too many movies?"
God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world. - C.S. Lewis