my inbox is filling up again. with texts and emails... from amazing people who love me and hurt with me and want to hold me up when i feel myself falling apart.
and i hardly have the energy to read them, let alone respond. (so if you are one of my friends i'm neglecting, don't take it personally.) (i haven't even called my own mother)
a dear, dear friend, who has experienced grief no person should bear, recently said to me, "i wish there was something... anything... i could say or do to make it better. but the truth of the matter is, this is not what we were created for. our hearts weren't meant to grieve this kind of loss. it wasn't a part of His design."
this is one of the most comforting things that someone has said to me. comforting in the sense that it's ok to recognize that there really isn't anything comforting anyone can say. its just painful. it just is. and no one can fix it.
the emotions are overwhelming. and exhausting. sometimes i feel like my brain shuts itself off from thinking and processing and just maintains. its moments like this that i am incapable of making a decision. or sweeping my kitchen floor. or completing a math lesson. (its moments like these my kids pounce on the chance to have halloween candy for breakfast or watch tv instead of complete schoolwork.) (i actually admire my savvy little opportunists. this quality will get them far in life.)
its moments like these that thoughts of responding to friends asking for coffee dates or offering to clean my house or watch my kids or thanking people for amazingly thoughtful gifts are not remotely close to the forefront of my mind. my thoughts consist of, "Jesus, help me."
every day i have a choice. the only decision i'm able to make some days is the choice between emotion and truth. i can dwell on the pain. its everywhere. it rushes into my reality the second i open my eyes in the morning. i feel it in my heart. it's deep in my bones. i can crumble and cry and just hurt.
or i can focus on truth.
every day, every morning, i open my bible. every day i soak in God's truth. he will never leave me. he will never forsake me. he will give peace. he is compassionate. he will wipe every tear from my eye. he is sovereign. he is good. he is God.
it doesn't always make the pain go away, but it takes my focus off of it.
God is good. regardless of my emotions, this truth will never change. God is good.