Tuesday, October 28, 2014

one month ago...

one month ago today, i lost my son.

that was actually quite a hard sentence to type. i've been sitting at the computer many times over the last few weeks, wanting to blog but not knowing how to make the transition...

my last entry, a couple years ago, was all about mason. how does one go from a frazzled, sarcastic, sleep deprived, overwhelmed mother of 4 who laments the woes of homeschooling and laughs about the naughtiness of her children... to a mother of 3 who can't quite seem to function with that missing number?

the world stopped in many ways one month ago today. i was overwhelmed (in a wonderful way) at how many people shut down their lives to grieve with us. we were flooded with love... meals, groceries, cards, flowers... essentials for life like chocolate and toilet paper. we would just start to think about something we needed, and it would show up at our doorstep (not kidding). God met us so completely in the midst of our heartbreak. it was beautiful and our friends and church family along with our own extended grieving family, loved us and responded immediately to us.

and in many ways, it feels now like the world around me, and many people around me, have kept moving on. this is a good thing. this is a natural thing. (it was weird those first weeks to look at news for the first time and be genuinely surprised that there were headlines. like, surely everything had stopped. i mean, my child is dead. how can we still have crises like ebola and ISIS?) 

and while i know that the lives of people close to me have been profoundly changed forever along with ours, i still feel like life keeps moving and i'm stuck.

lost somewhere between what was once wonderful and beautiful and carefree (though at the time i thought i was overwhelmed and exhausted) and...

well, between that and not knowing how to find a new normal. 

and truthfully, not really wanting to.

i miss you, mason.


Bethany said...

Just stumbled across this in my blog feed and saw you posted... want to say you are loved, thought of, and continually prayed for. My Addy is a terrible, terrible (did I say terrible?) sleeper. I have thought of Mason in the past months when I am up with her at night, sometimes for many hours. And I realize that though we are exhausted, we are being given the gift of extra time with our child. And thinking of Mason, makes me thankful for that gift with Addy. Even amidst the exhaustion.

Susan Barnes said...

Dear Stephanie,

I returned to your blog immediately after I heard about Mason. And I was so touched to realize that your last post was all about him. I returned again today. And there was this. Just wanted you to know that we pray for you and your family every day. I'm still just so so sorry. Love you friend.


Anonymous said...

Dear Stephanie,
You were in our thoughts all this time. The first week I had to force myself to not think about your pain to be able to function.
I know how hard is to lose a brother, but a child.
In all this we have to see that God is good and he can understand you best.
I read Job and Psalms to take me through the first months.
I continue to pray for you!
Hugs, Paula

Julie said...


You probably don't remember me from our days at NAU, but I heard about Mason through Bethany, Rachel and Lynnellen. There are really no words for this kind of loss. I'm a mother of four too...and my heart shattered for you. Just know that our God who knows all and sees all is reaching those who have not seen you in decades to lift you and your family up in prayer.

With much love, Julie Mitchell (formerly Kunold)