just needing a little sympathy...

so guess what time my husband got home from work last night? 4:19 am. guess what time he left for work this morning? 5:45 am. i am exhausted just thinking about it.

or, maybe i'm exhausted because i didn't get mason to sleep until 11:15 last night, only to have him wake up slightly before midnight, which was just when i was finally able to begin drifting off to sleep. then around 1:15 i hear bennett calling for daddy and when i realized the other side of my bed was vacant, i headed in his room. he was just chillin', with his hands behind his head, kicking his feet, and asked me, "where's daddy, mom?" eyes wide open, not the slightest bit tired. "at work. go to bed." as i am stumbling back to my room, i realize that anthony had predicted it would be an early night of 11:00 quittin' time so should i be worried he wasn't home?

i thought about it as i drifted back to sleep, only to awake a few moments later to anthony's alarm clock. it happens to be one of bennett's favorite toys. he likes to set it for the middle of the night (always the middle of the night, why not during the day?) so i can wake up and bless his precious name as i turn it off.

15 minutes later, bennett's conversation with himself wakes me up and then he's calling for me again. as i head in his room he said, "cover me up, mom?" it would be cute if it weren't so exhausting.

so since i'm up, i figure i should call my husband and make sure he is still alive. he is, of course, so i head back to bed for a 1/2 hour until mason wakes up again.

not sure at what time i finally fell back asleep. i do know i had to wake up another time for mason and another time because my nose is stuffed up and i couldn't breathe. and then of course i was awake when anthony returned home at 4:19 am. we had a couple "laughs" about life and that he was able to get an hour nap before heading back in this morning. of course mason was up at 6 am and so began my day.

as i was staring vacantly at sesame street this morning, waiting for my caffeine to take effect, i was wondering, "will this ever end?" my house is a disaster, the dishes still haven't been washed from last night, the bathrooms haven't been cleaned in almost 2 weeks, my kids need baths and all i want to do is sleep.

later, at the park, as i was swaying in place with my fussy baby, watching ella and bennett shovel sand together, i was reminded again that yes, it will end. sooner than i will want it to. someday my arms will be empty and i will wish my kids would want to snuggle with me or need me for consoling. i will be able to take a nap at any time of the day because my kids will either be off with friends or in their rooms living their own lives and no longer asking me to organize some pathetic looking craft or fill their sippy cups with water.

i guess i just had to remind myself that they need me now. and even though i really like to sleep, it sure is nice to be needed.

backwards day

yesterday was backwards day. we dressed backwards, ate pasta for breakfast and french toast for dinner. we built upside down lego towers and read books from end to beginning. yeah, watch out... we are wild and crazy around here.

it was my attempt at preserving sanity. i had to come up with some creative way to make it through the day. the last couple of weeks have been what some might refer to as mom torture. so maybe it is a slightly extreme title, but then again....

anthony has been working some 14 to 21 hour days, 7 days a week. he is usually home after we are in bed and out of the house before we wake up (and you know that must be early!) the other night i heard him come in at 10:30 and i said, "oh, home so soon?" to which he laughed and said, "unfortunately, i still have to head back tonight." the poor man is going to end up dead. and then seriously, i won't be far behind.

of course he doesn't usually have to work hours like this. its very unique and hopefully temporary. and it has given me a greater appreciation for him and all he does around here. and while its safe to say that these are not my most effective days of parenting, i am grateful that my husband has a job, and such an important one at that.

among other things, i really miss adult conversation. here are some samplings of what we talk about around here during the day:

ella: why do we always have to say excuse me?
me: what do you mean? when do we say excuse me?
ella: like when we toot. why do we always have to say excuse me?
me: because its polite.
ella: oh.
ella thinks for awhile.
ella: do we need to say excuse me when other people are over at our house and we toot?
me: yes, that would be polite.
ella: sometimes i toot in the bathroom. do i need to say excuse me then?
me: umm... no...
ella: what if the people who come over to our house are in the bathroom with me and i toot? do i need to say excuse me then?
me: umm.... well, i think we'd have a whole other set of problems if that were the case.

me: bennett, don't throw dominoes at the tv
bennett: why? (his favorite phrase)
me (slightly exasperated because shouldn't this be obvious?): because it will break
bennett: why?
me (even more exasperated): if it breaks, you won't be able to watch curious george or any movies ever again.
bennett: daddy get new tv.
me: no, daddy won't get a new tv. we don't have the money for a new tv.
bennett (quiet for awhile as this sinks in) says real softly: oh.
then, as tears start to form in his eyes: watch curious george....

i realized the "scare" tactic may have backfired as i then sat for quite some time consoling my 2 year old over a tv that isn't even broken.

its official

we are going to keep him. yes, there is a light at the end of the perpetual baby fussiness tunnel.

mason's moments of crying are becoming shorter and shorter and some (dare i say it?) have actually been replaced with laughter. laughter! oh the joy. not only do we love our little boy to pieces, we even like him now! (ok, so we always liked him, but if you are a mom of a fussy little baby, you know what i mean...)

baby smiles, coos, and laughs are definitely worth blogging about. now if only we could do something about that sleep...

yes, that's right, i have yet another baby who is allergic to sleep. i am convinced that someday, some brilliant scientist (maybe one of my own children) will discover this "syndrome" from which my children suffer. it is most likely genetic since each of them have been afflicted with it. i will then feel validated.

and yes, in answer to the annoying question "have you tried....?" yes. i have. i have read the baby whisperer, first-time mom, babywise (although i'm quite sure the author of that particular book is a nazi who doesn't even like children), the happiest baby on the block (ha! not at this house), and just about every entry that comes up when i google "how to make my child sleep before i lose my mind!" while these books seem to work for most people (especially those annoying ones who have perfect children who sleep well and then assume its because they have all the answers), they don't work for me.

therefore, i am writing my own book. the title is, whatever works - the tried and tested methods of a sleep deprived mother.

for mason, the only thing that works for sleep is the baby strait-jacket/swaddler (thank you bobo), the side-to-side swing (again, thank you bobo), and the vent fan above my stove (thank you GE). all of these things combined and i am often fortunate to get a good 2 hours of sleep out of the little man. awesome.

i am also working on other chapters in my book... "what to do when your baby decides they are too good for the pacifier" "never underestimate the fun of bouncing and shushing while standing in a pitch black bathroom with the fan on" "the temptation of driving off a cliff to escape infant screaming" "the fear of bullies and the smallest child on the playground" and "i'll have a tummy-tuck with my c-section, please"...

i'll let you know when you can place your advance order on amazon. but until then, a few more pics of our now happy baby...

we had ourselves a merry little christmas...

ella's prayer yesterday morning at breakfast:
"dear lord, happy birthday. i mean, well... happy birthday next year when its merry christmas time again... thank you for a family who talks about your birth. thank you for coming down to earth."

what a privilege to experience life through the eyes of our children. this christmas was wonderful.

when our family was all together, we shared some of our favorite christmas memories with each other. i noticed that very few of the significant memories of our collective pasts had much to do with gifts we received. interesting, since it seems like the gift part gets so much emphasis in our society today. i was especially touched with my great aunt's memory. living through some very tough times as a child, the christmas that stood out for her was when her parents saved and sacrificed so they could have the delicacy of oranges on christmas. oranges! what a treat. i really appreciated her sharing that. simpler times. and better perspectives, i'm sure.

Merry Christmas!

my apologies that this is the closest thing to a Christmas card from our family this year. (i know my limits.)

may you all enjoy the celebration of the birth of our savior. Merry Christmas!

a 4 year-old's perspective

ella loves to write out her memory verses. she also likes to make them up as she goes along.

in the off-chance that you don't read russian, allow me to share ella's translation with you: "God is always watching out for us. We don't have to be afraid because God is bigger than the boogeyman."

and on the back, some deep 4 year old wisdom:

"When God was little he didn't get made because he was made."

well said, king david

sometimes i wonder what will be on my tombstone. not so much because i am morbid (at least i don't think i am) but more because i wonder whether or not i will make it through the day. that being the case, i wonder if my kids were to chose my epitaph, would it be something they must hear me say ALL day long... "no more whining" or "do you need to go to time-out?" or "get off your sister" or "you need to listen to me." how is my little stay on this earth defined in their eyes? i think specifically of my kids because i know they see the real and true me. its hard (and not necessary) to fake it around little ones who see you at your best and worst ALL day EVERY day.

in a very rare, very quiet moment today, i read a verse that i hope will define me. "my share in life has been pleasant; my part has been beautiful." psalm 16:6

while there are many overwhelming and never-ending phases of motherhood, i wouldn't trade my life for anything. i mean, don't get me wrong, i have my moments of weakness where i would certainly choose a yacht in figi over mounds of laundry and sticky floors in arizona. but i have to say my share in life is more than pleasant. it is fantastic. and at the end of it, i hope it will be seen by others, especially in the eyes of children and husband, as beautiful for them.

well... now i'm off to print this verse above the crib, on the dishwasher, in the laundry room, next to the bathtub, above the stove... because pretty soon they'll wake up and i'm pretty sure i'm going to need a reminder.

pajama day

the beautiful thing about the blog is that i am able to declare my passionate love for overcast, rainy days without enduring the replies of others who are convinced i would change my mind if i lived elsewhere and had to "suffer" through sunshine-less days on a more frequent basis. (it tends to annoy me when people think they know me better than i know myself.) because i know that i do indeed love these days and i am thrilled this drizzly weather is currently forecasted until thursday. and i know, that like all other sunny days, friday will be a bit of a disappointment to me when the clouds are gone and the sun is back. this must be an example of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" because when i hear "it is a beautiful day" (very common phrase in these parts), i want to ask, "where are the clouds?"

we (ella and me) affectionately refer to these days as "cozy days." and here in phoenix, we have to make the most of them when they come. sunless days relax me and energize me at the same time. weird, i know. when there is no rain accompanying the coziness, these are the days i most love to go the park, for walks, run errands... an overcast day just makes everything better. and when there is rain, what better excuse do you need to declare a pajama day and curl up with books and hot apple cider around the christmas tree.

i was slightly concerned this morning that our cozy day would actually be a sick day when ella didn't wake up until 9:30! the last time this happened was... well, never. and while she did emerge from her room with a cold, she is still enjoying the day to its fullest.

is something wrong?

i have a feeling it is going to be a good day. it is currently 7:57 and my 2 oldest children are STILL SLEEPING! a normal occurrence in homes all across america, it is indeed an extremely rare occasion here. bennett is usually up way before the sun and ella follows shortly after.

i awoke with a start when i realized there was light coming through my window and the house was quiet. did anthony take the kids to work with him? have they been kidnapped? i considered calling 911 because something is surely wrong, but i was afraid of waking them with my voice. instead i checked on them to make sure they were breathing and then tiptoed out to my baby cooing at the christmas lights.

i just don't know what to do with myself. hmmm... i should probably stop typing for now; they might hear the clacking and wake up.

"if it ain't broke..."

one sunday, not too long ago, i was almost convinced that my husband was smoking crack. he had just come out from putting bennett down for his nap and with a slightly sheepish smile informed me, "so i went ahead and took the front off of bennett's crib." (to make it a semi-big-boy bed.) to which i responded something along the lines of, "have you lost your mind?"

as if our lives aren't crazy enough, lets go ahead and uncage the 2 year old at nap time. at the current state of things, my philosophy is to keep life as easy as possible. the ability to chuck bennett in his crib and keep him there was part of this equation. anthony said he explained to bennett that he can't get off his bed. yeah, good luck with that, i thought to myself. and then, instead of making it an "issue" i resolved myself to simply wait until the next day when anthony was at work and i could innocently put the crib back together and inform daddy that it just simply didn't work out.

well, surprise, surprise. bennett was ready for the transition. he loves his bed and does not get off, even when he wakes up. he calls for us and waits for us to get him. this is shocking to me and its all thanks to daddy for having a little faith.

so this week we made the transition official by putting the real big-boy bed in his room. yep, my boy is growing up...

the big-boy bed "christening"

thanksgiving

well, we did it. we traveled with our newborn. and while i wouldn't say that this thanksgiving weekend falls into the "relaxing" category of trips we have taken, it was still a wonderful time to be with family and reflect on God's provision for the early settlers as well as for us today. and we do have so much to be thankful for.

for starters, i am thankful my mom now knows i'm not exaggerating when i say that mason cries ALL the time. ok, well... not when he is eating or sleeping and not for a cumulative total of about 22 minutes the rest of the day. but even though i am thankful for him, he is quite the fussy little thing. and i feel validated when others can witness it for themselves.

we are also thankful for:

thanksgiving crafts with grammy

chicken fights

hide and go seek... daddy style

fun times with family

(great-great aunt pauline)

(cousin kaitlyn)

meeting great-grandma darlene

extra hands to hold a fussy baby

someone to blow in our faces (hey, don't knock it 'till you've tried it...)

visiting poppa at work

helping grammy decorate for christmas (because mommy never lets us touch stuff like this!)

overheard...

so i'm sitting down to share my life with the blog world, and my eye catches this title in the headlines on my computer: "researchers find brisk walk can curb chocolate cravings." hmmm... really? i can't imagine why i would want to go out for a brisk walk when i can just eat my children's halloween candy and accomplish the same thing.

anyhow... so ella and bennett are playing in ella's room today and conversing back and forth. truthfully, i really wasn't paying attention to them because there was no screaming or crying. but at one point, i tuned in and heard ella say, "bennett, the little kid died. we need to pray for him." and then i hear bennett say, "oh." clearly they have my attention now, so i venture back to spy on them from the hallway.

"bennett, we need to pray for him. lets get on my bed and pray." bennett, the compassionate man he is, has clearly moved on to something else by this point because i hear him say, "look at this, ella!" to which she replies, "get on my bed right now! we need to pray for him." a little bit of time passes. "bennett, sit down on my bed! we are going to pray!" more time passes. "bennett! we need to pray right now! get on my bed!!!"

finally i see him climb up on the bed. and i see her settle in next to him. she is about to start praying when he shouts out, "hide!" and dives under the blanket to start hide and go seek. ella just stares at him for a moment and then folds her hands and closes her eyes and prays: "dear Lord, please help bennett to cooperate with me. please help us to be brave. and please help the little boy that died in my bed."

WHAT?!?! as she says amen i come in her room and nonchalantly-like ask her who she is praying for. "oh, mommy, remember that little boy that was playing and the bed came down on his head and then he got stuck and couldn't get out and then he died?" oh yeah... so her bed was recalled and a replacement part was shipped to us because the toy chest part at the foot of the bed did actually cause the death of a little boy. this happened like a year ago now and apparently she retained way more information about it than we would want her to.

and in mason news... he just had his 2 month check-up. the most memorable part for ella (and probably for him too) was that he had 5 shots and she was fascinated to watch. later she said, "maybe he could have 12 shots next time." should i be worried that she would want to inflict this kind of torment on her infant brother?

he now weighs 8 lbs 9oz. yes, i realize many of your babies may have been close to this size at birth. but someone has to even out the averages. mason is currently at the 1% for his weight. yes, out of 100 boys his age, he is the smallest.

now if only those m&m calories i just consumed could make their way into my breast milk and not my hips...

jake

this morning we said good-bye to jake...

i would like to say that i am really going to miss him, but that would be lying. i am, however, very sad for my husband who has had jake longer than he has had me. and although i am looking forward to no more dog hair, slobber, or fears of him ripping someones face off, i do have some fond memories of our very lovable, goofy dog.

as anthony drove away with jake, i was left to attempt an explanation to the kids. not sure if bennett really cared; he was too busy jumping off the ottoman. but as i informed them that jake was old and it was his time to die, ella actually had a big smile on her face as she realized that now maddie would have some company... you know, besides just Jesus and God. so here is a little snippet of our conversation:

ella: oh, is daddy driving him to heaven?

me: no, just to see dr. kc.

ella clearly is confused by this.

me, trying to explain more clearly: dr. kc will give him a shot and it won't hurt at all.

ella: so then why does it hurt when we get a shot?

me: well, his shot might hurt a little, but the rest of it won't.

ella: so will he die right away?

me: umm... yeah, i guess.

ella: will we see him when we go there (heaven)?

me: uh, yeah, i hope so. (hey, if i'm lying she won't be sad about it then because there are no tears in heaven...)

ella is quiet for a long time: i want jake to come home.

jake, in his better days, getting a very loving check up from his favorite vets:

a cheerleader, a dog, and pea in the pod